she smelled like a LAN party
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We have started to decorate penises.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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