How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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