Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
