dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
