Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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