chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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