did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just pee around me
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
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