she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
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My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
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After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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