does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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