I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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