Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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