Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You were trust falling into bushes
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
