I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My vagina is very pro this idea
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