I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
