I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
