Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my being single is dangerous.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
