fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
