True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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