'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
