I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
