if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
