things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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