Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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