We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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