Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
i think my cat just said my name.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
