So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
