i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
