The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
