Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Slut skills are useful in every country.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
