I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
