i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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