I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
