My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
