i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
