Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
