Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
