You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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