Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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