wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
babies were throwing up all over the place
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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