the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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