you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
