barbara walters just said penis...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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