Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
