This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
