Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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