I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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