wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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