my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
