He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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