I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
