I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
