he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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