Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
