DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
